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[01 May 2009|05:25am] |
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I hurt my hand today punching the garage door so if I make a typo please ignore it as I want to get this out as fast and quickly as possible.
Yes, drawing hand is injured. I'm stupid like that, but it wasn't completely unintended.
I don't feel like drawing when there's no point in the story reaching it's end.
I feel somewhat that when it ends, I'll end with it and I don't want that to be.
I want to think of a story with a happy ending and reflect that on life.
Life isn't good to me right now, and I'm sad, but fighting even if it feels alone.
Moms sick. I'm hallucinating and having nightmares again. I hate my job and purposely injured myself in angry so that I couldn't draw anything and would be forced to take a break. I'm burnt out mentally, physically and emotionally and am just tired of being the strong one. I'm just tired, but I don't want to lay down. I know my happiness is out there and I want to find it.
I'm really freaking out and don't know who to turn and tell about this.
My boyfriend seems to get angry at me. Is jealous apparently and feels like he's walking in my shadow when I need him most to stand beside me and let me support and encourage him and actually feel that back from him instead of an unemotional 'hm.' <- it's like my dad. No emotion, just 'hm'. It's so frustrating, and sounds like they are so bored of seeing me drawing or doing something interesting that they don't even care to give response anymore or any intrigue at all. And people wonder why I don't tell them whats going on in my life. Robyn was in the car today while we were driving and spoke up to say 'Translated into girl talk that means: Oh that's awesome, I'm so happy for you!" as if it hint to them or to cheer me up from my obvious stupor.
Speaking of my dad. We fought today. I eventually text him after he stormed out of the house to explain the reason I needed him to come to Bellieville was because I needed him to be there - not that mom had asked, though it does hurt my heart to see their wedding picture sitting next to her bed along with my sister and mine.
I think my mother will die this time around and I can't stop crying, though in person if I told you this you wouldn't get any emotion at all. I've prepared since I was eight, but I'm not ready to lose her yet. I feel her slipping away and out of my reach though....
I wish people cold tell that I need someone to lean on too. As much as I know I can face this world on my own. sometimes a little back up or reminded that I'm not the only person out there is good.
Tomorrow I will try to search out the book on tape stuff and send that to her and maybe upload the sketches I have if my hand isn't still bruised. I'm going to ice it and then bed.
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