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[Sunday
August 9th, 2009
12:37am] |
I started posting on 'peterpandied' again, though more or less to document my move and have a less-personalized journal for my friends and family to keep track of my daily habits. I'll still rant and rave here, but that's another place people can read.
Move is going. ARg. www.peterpandied.insanejournal.com <- see here. It's interesting.
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[Wednesday
August 5th, 2009
9:25am] |
ITS THE HUMP OF THE WEEK. It's all down here from here!
I'm off to buy orange-juice. Woot.
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| The joy of waiting. |
[Wednesday
August 5th, 2009
9:10am] |
I've never been the type to want a boyfriend/girlfriend or really go out looking for another person to share my life with. They say that when you're not looking is the time you'll get the most attention, but while that was true for a lot of people I never noticed. I guess if you're not looking, you also don't see the people chasing you until they stand boldly right in front of you.
I'm not the easiest person to put up with. I'm quiet, I'm reclusive, I barely understand myself and have some pretty weird views that could limit a relationship at times, My life doesn't make a pinch of sense and forced me to grow up early, and most people wouldn't understand how despite such hardship I'm still insanely happy and have made a huge success of myself, a network of reliable and disturbingly smart friends, and found one very important lover.
He's seen me at my best, worst, and fought threw everything just as hard to stay by my side. I love my boyfriend, my friends and family and wouldn't change a thing in the world.
I might grip about it, but this is the stuff that will make a fortune to write about later and it's made me that person that all these people love. I wouldn't change that for the world.
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[Tuesday
August 4th, 2009
2:53am] |
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Rule of Life: At least having a weird life gives you something interesting to write abou.t
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| Discarded |
[Tuesday
August 4th, 2009
1:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crushed |
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I'm exhausted.
Our oven is broken. Our microwave is broken. Leaving the stove top and BBQ the only thing we can cook on. I'm hungry, but I don't want to bother anyone to make me something when I'll probably fall sleep half way threw eating it. It's too much bother and I don't know how to cook very well on the stove top myself without instruction, and the BBQ just scares me.
Dad came home and we went out to get $50 of groceries. Not much, but something to put in the house and he promised to cook for me. Which I guess is good. I feel a little annoyed that he wants to be around me all the time and talk to me, but that was part of the argument we had 'him never being around'. I guess I miss my privacy and don't know what to say to him anyway. It's not like he asks or seems to give much attention into what I'm doing, so I can't talk to him about my stories and art the way I do with mom. That's really all I do right now besides occasionally go out with friends. Stories involving my friends I don't really want to tell, since they're really only interesting or funny if you were there.
Dad also got my grandparents to plan a 'going away party' which will be held at their house because neither my dad or I can afford to throw it ourselves. I have a feeling that my friend Robyn was going to try and do something similar, and I told my friends openly not to do such a thing since I wasn't interested. I don't think people understand me, or it would be easy to see why I don't want such an event or at least wouldn't want to attend one. Celebrating it without me is fine. Sure, I like to see my friends, but I have enough stress right now and I could use the time to be doing something else. I'm going to see them again, so why do I have to say goodbye?
It makes it seem like everyone's leaving me this way, cutting me off to go have my own adventure rather then being there to cheer me on.
I feel just like sleeping for the next week and maybe, somehow I'll wake up and this will all have been a dream. It feels like I could sleep for a week.
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[Saturday
August 1st, 2009
2:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cheerful |
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A good trait is that when I'm pissed off, I clean. Leaving me less angry because my house is clean and I've dusted out the bad feelings from the house and thrown them out with the trash.
Apparently I can clean the whole house in 4 1/2 hours. Got into a bit of a pissy with my dad today, who also sent me a video of "The biggest snake ever found dead" that is not dead. At all and scared the fuck out of me when it jumped at the camera. Everything seems resolved though.
Now I'm just waiting on Patrick to get threw crappy traffic so we can go out for Ice cream. Yay.
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[Saturday
August 1st, 2009
7:48am] |
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Moving at the end of the week. Woot. This is going to be interesting. I'm hanging out with friends that seem to have really bad timing and all want to see me BEFORE I go, with the bad habit of waiting for the last seven days. I have a bunch of friends, so that's pretty irritating when they ALL ask at once. Stupid people. I'll find a way to do it or get them to come here and see me.
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[Monday
July 27th, 2009
5:45am] |
Finished sketching out rough draft of kakutei inzen page 2.
Finished sketching out page 4-5 of Alice. Need to ink and Color.
Need to ink page 3 of Alice.
Character page sketch of Alice is inked, just needs to be colored.
Need to scan all this - somehow.
When I'm bored and avoiding thinking, I get things done. Yay progress. I hope I can show you all the stuff I've been working on. I'm so excited to read comments on it.
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[Monday
July 27th, 2009
3:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 guilty |
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I talked to my dad this morning, which was pretty emotional bout of text messaging which was soon after followed by him calling me. My dad and sister really need to learn how to use grammar on their phones so I can understand what they are saying. Eventually settled that we would sit down and talk everything over Monday morning. Hoping that ends good.
Quit my job. Talked to Jessica online about what happened and apparently she's going to use her supervisor powers to yell at the boys in the morning about how their behavior is unacceptable and then talk to Micheal, who may call to talk about everything that happened with me. I don't want to even think about it anymore, but glad something is being done for future workers sake.
My brain hurts.
I'm happy that I might not have to drag my grandparents into things after all, but I'm so exhausted with life that I just want to sleep. Going to work hard the next few days since I don't have anything else to do. .___.; *sigh*
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[Sunday
July 26th, 2009
4:49am] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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ARG. You know when the oven is broken and you are left with a house that didn't have much food to begin with and now pretty much has only items left that can be cooked with the stove life can get a little irritating. WHAT THE FUCK?! I can understand my mother not being able to get involved, she's too far away and doesn't have either the money or the health to help us. But my dad, who is rarely here tells me that I need to pay for half of my new glasses I get a little pissed.
I have no money to move. None. I have $40 left in my bank account and will be damn lucky if that covers food until I get paid $200 on Wednesday. You know where that is going? Probably to pay for food unless I can sum up the courage to buy time on my phone and call my grandparents and ask for help. I hate getting them involved, but this is bullshit. I feel like ever since Dad decided to move in with his new girlfriend that he forgot about the family he is leaving behind. He still pays the rent, but that's it and I've only ever seen him pay a bill when we get a notice that it's about to be shut off. If he went to work like he's suppose to instead of going to belliville...ARG. - I know I'm not a good person to talk about working more, but I have my boss cutting me down to two shifts a week and nothing I can do about it.
He never asks if I'm afraid of school or want to back out, and I don't have a home anymore if I do decide to back out or anywhere that could take me.
I'm sure my boyfriend can tell how stressed out I am about this and is trying to be supportive, especially after I told him that my dad all but told me to find someone else to help me move. Apparently his promise to help take things up in the truck just as much bullshit as having him pay for college. I just, I hate asking people to help and do things, but I'm at a hole here.
The food I did buy barely lasted a week split between my sister, mat and myself. I could honestly just cry all the time being at home and sure everyone is annoyed with me telling them that I just want to move NOW and be where I know I'll be taken care of -.....
I feel like the stress of everything is getting in the way of Jay and my relationship, since I don't want to take out my frustrations on him knowing there's not really anything either of us can do at the moment. I want him to be happy, and his back to feel better after he pulled something. He also has his own problems and I don't want to be the person putting more on those strong shoulders.
I guess. I want my freedom of this place. Maybe I'll email Trevor? Even then I don't know.
I don't know what I'm suppose to do right now.
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[Friday
July 24th, 2009
5:52pm] |
Last night I broke my glasses. ;_; My dad had to go out and get me new frames, which are hard to get used to because of my oddly shaped head - not odd to look at, but I'm pretty sure my ears have a different size lump behind each and so I have to adjust them. At least I have a glasses case now. Woot.
Doing a ton of laundry. Tomorrow is my friends Patricks birthday and I'm super excited to go dancing and bowling, though that will only happen if Jaymac's back is feeling better by then. The poor dear seems to have pulled something today and came over to see me after work for a bit before going to lay down. I hope he feels better. That would suck to miss out on the party, but I want him to be healthy.
My dads birthday is next week. Wednesday, my sister and I are going to try and go to grandmothers for dinner and hopefully I can pick up my paycheck before and get him some sort of present.
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| Where No One Knows My Name |
[Thursday
July 23rd, 2009
6:19am] |
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 cynical |
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I want long hair. I want to be the sexy beautiful young girl I was in high school.
I want short hair. I want to relive my boy-hood with the fearless androgyny that I adored.
The Drop Box layout is finally fixed. At least I believe so and am waiting impatiently for my writer partner to get back to me.
Patrick. Weight. Health.
I've been gaining more weight lately thanks to an on going joke-text rampage between Patrick and myself. I'm surprised, and yet not surprised how quickly our friendship has grown and just how close we've become in the last few months. We're both skinny bastards, so I hope it's working out equally on both sides for our self confidence and health.
Virginity
I don't like announcing personal things, but recently I joined the world that has experienced sex. Why didn't I say 'lost my virginity'? Because that's such a load of bull.
Started reading 'The virginity myth' in chapters a month ago and it really made me think and has kept me thinking since. There is no true term for virginity, and the fact that girls have been raised to see it as this great burden to protect really bothers me as media screams that men just want us to be raging sluts. Where's the middle ground, and what's our worth if we're not pure? We are guided purely on the fact that if we are not pure at marriage we aren't worth anything, rather then if we're a good person, have wealth, or intelligence. This really insults me.
I don't want to break your brains with it hear, but ask if you want to see that hilarity of me ranting on the real term of virginity.
Work. Sexual Harassment. Self Worth
As I grow closer to other people, I stop caring and push away from my family. I just don't care for their bullshit drama and want to be rid of it. I'm afraid of September and what lies ahead.
I was really pissed off earlier in the week and brought back to good humor by Patrick after someone at work decided to repeatedly grab my chest. Reported, of course. Some joking comment that Jaymac made two days later really stuck a cord in me too, about how boys are more important then girls and back in the old ages boys were dressed in blue [the color of heavens] to help ward off demons that wanted to steal them while girls were dressed in red [later pink.] because demons didn't care. Yeah, that probably didn't help my mood.
Not a feminist, I term myself an individualist for my ability to shift between groups and fractions of people and get along with most of them. But I majorly disagree with a lot of society. Personally. I like to think I'm worth a helluva lot more to this world and there's no scale of purity that can match up to what I'm bringing. Anyone else can say that same? I hope so, because as women - this world wouldn't exist as it stands.
I was going to talk about something else, but I forgot and just going to hop off and hope that I can get some work done today. Cha. Gooddays.
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| You can't take my sanity, I already sold that. |
[Friday
July 17th, 2009
2:52am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
Sat with my mom for three hours was really exhausting. I love her to death, but there are a few topics that I wish wouldn't come up when I was around her. My dad and the fact that he is actually cheating on her and can't afford to end the married by getting a divorce is definitely one of the top.
Trying to prove to her that she is a good parent and is able to be there for us and that she's in the hospital should not make her depressed and she will get better are all hard things to do on my own and takes a lot out of me. I am glad that I have people around me though since I don't think I'd be able to handle it otherwise, and really wish that talking to my mom didn't leave me so angry with my dad all the time.
I love my family, but that doesn't keep me from wanting to ring their necks every so often.
I hope tomorrow I can put this all behind me and go do some much needed shopping, though that's going to be hard with our oven now out of commission. What else can be broken this week?
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[Tuesday
July 14th, 2009
12:04am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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So apparently mom has a disease that attacks her brain and other systems. I don't know ifit's curable or fatal or what, but I'm pretty scared. Is it hereditary? I need to get felecia to google the page for me so that I can properly find more information, or drag out mom's doctor to actually talk to me. Apparently the disease mostly affects and kills infants, but can appear late in life as well and both my mom and two of her sisters have it. Considering how my mom has nine siblings, that only leaves six that are without it. Pretty high number there.
At any rate Mom seems to be doing better.
I get to spend tomorrow with Jay once he gets off work. Both he and Mat came over so I more or less got my wish today to see them. Patrick also was very nice of distracting me with funny talk and preparations for his upcoming birthday party that I really will be attending. I'm sick of work and their crazy banter and if I could move now and be done with it, I would.
In great news. Scott got the internet cable for my computer so I can be online here at any time while everyone else is on the other computer. Just have to move my links over and I'm completely finished. Oh, and find a good photoshop and word perfect cd from the drawer to install. X_x; When people write the code and don't distinguish between zero and the letter O, it makes thing harder to figure out, but I did it before and will do it again.
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[Monday
July 13th, 2009
4:49pm] |
There's a reason people call me when the shit hits the fan and no one else, besides the fact that I'm usually the only one the picks up the phone and able to deal with it in a calm manner that gets me all the information up front. I don't need a call at 2am from my sister strung right the hell out and in tears, because people told her our mother is dying in the hospital.
Leaving work was not fun. Explaining it to my boss and waking him up in the middle of the night probably put me further down the shit list and being pissed to loss out on money to go sit in the hospital all night was pretty much how I spent my night. Then again, I wouldn't actually show how pissed I was around my sister and family at all, not when she demands that I have to leave work in tears.Had to wait about an hour before getting information of why I had to leave work I'd be hell bent if I actually ask my sister to explain when one look at her tells me she's about to fall to pieces. Dragged my grandmother to the side in the middle of a stupid story neither of us were willing to deal with. Joking at this point in time is not something you can do, there's a time and place and body language was saying it was neither for anyone. Finally found out was happening. Apparently my mother had full on kidney failure and wasn't able to keep anything down due to her body being unable to get it out in other means. Tried to track down a doctor so that I can actually know what's going on in medical terms, but only got information from the nurse.
Finally got sent home to sleep around 5am. I asked mom repeatedly if she wanted me to stay wit her, because of all people I would know as well as her how much hospitals suck when your alone. I told her she didn't have to be brave or motherly and could be selfish and I wouldn't go, because I wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon anyway if I had stayed at work.
I have a huge phobia of hospitals now, but somehow manage to deal with it and get dragged back there for multiple causes.
Dad and I went out to lunch after I woke up, I explained to a few friends what was happening and updated my boyfriend who I had been talking to last night with what I knew.
I know it's selfish of me not to go back to the hospital, but there's a certain point where I just can't deal and need to be surrounded by loving caring friends. I'm already at a breaking point because people keep calling to leave work for emergencies and I only have two shifts a week that I can't afford to lose. I can't even afford to move now except that my new landlord is my friend and willing to shelter me out of his own pocket.
The stress is just eating me up and it hurts to have people call me heartless because I don't want to sit and watch my mom almost die everyday of my life anymore. I love her. I don't think I deal with it if she did die, but I can't be around it right at this moment.
Maybe tomorrow. The doctor said she should be okay and I'm sure my grandparents will be faithful like always to call me with any changes, or felecia will when she visits.
I really want jay or mat to come over.....
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| Warning - Angry Ranting |
[Friday
July 10th, 2009
10:59pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cold |
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Why the fuck am I so angry all the time? If the house is mess, if I draw something wrong, if eople kick me off the computer that I set and stare at endlessly while doing nothing anyway and I have to move rooms to do nothing THERE. If my boyfriend doesn't come over. If he does come over. If I can't get the list of things I want to do before I leave for Ottawa.
It's just constant. Maybe it's because my budget for moving has been spent on buying food and other things I shouldn't have to deal with until I actually leave and I'm pretty much broke. Maybe because even buying food, I'm still hungry all the time.
The guys at work said that I'm more likely to do something to ruin this relationship when it becomes long distance and that they don't think Jay will do anything and that has been nagging my mind for a while. Do I really come off as that type of person to everyone? I'd hate that.
I so badly wanted moving and going to school to be my thing. This my time to be excited and not have to worry and boil down over other stupid things that are going on at the same time, but no...My dad has to move at the same time and take away the home I've had for over EIGHT YEARS at the same time. It hurts to know that I don't have anywhere to come back to if I should back out of school, or if everything goes to hell and I fail. >< God. I just want to cry when I think about that. It's really pathetic.
I think I'm mostly angry because the friends I have to talk too are so far away, and when I do talk to people here I don't get a response.
Maybe I'll call my aunt and try talking to her tomorrow, or my mom. I know they have anger toward my dad and might be able to come up with something to do as a back up plan.
I already sent an email to ask Trevor if he minds me paying rent when OSAP comes in September. I hope that's okay, cause otherwise I'm not going to be able to move and will be homeless.
Oh life, When will you learn that I've had fucking enough.
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| Restaurant City for the Win |
[Wednesday
July 8th, 2009
10:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 mellow |
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Between sunburn, cramps, and the extreme feeling that I want to curl into a ball and die rather then bare the heat on top of it all. My boyfriend spent the night and I can only hope that between tossing and turning and getting up for water I didn't wake him too much. That boy sleeps like a log though it seems. So hard not to wake people when they are sleeping. People are too cute when dreaming and I'm always so curious to find out what they are imagining. XD
Somehow, probably with my boyfriends coaxing, I managed to get everything moved onto my new computer. Files, pictures, rough sketches, comic pages, story outlines, all safe and soundly tucked away under a password secured device I store in my room. Yay. And oh, such a pretty little marvel my new computer is....Then again, anything that is solely mine and not covered by a fine layer of dust would seem pretty in my eyes.
I have two days a week of work until I leave in two weeks and only two box's of stuff left to pack apart from clothes, which I will be throwing into the laundry tomorrow and sorting hopefully. Lot's of 2's. Maybe that's my lucky number?
I did manage to do some rough sketches for the character page, but doubt I'll be able to find them in the mess right now, but going to go lay down since everything hurts and there's no pain killer in the house to help me run threw this.
Tomorrow I'm going to work on setting up Photoshop and OpenCanvas on my computer and work on stuff that I've been avoiding too much due to life drama - which I somehow avoid writing about here. You guys don't need to hear me scrubble about that though!
Love you.
Miss you.
Tashi
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[Tuesday
July 7th, 2009
2:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sore |
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I have sunburn across both my shoulders and the back of my neck from the Toronto Zoo. That's right, boyfriend, my sister and a few friends were all able to go finally Saturday and we had a blast. I've worked a little on my story since and visited Chapters to get the latest book in the Night World trilogy that I've been reading lately. This week I also get to finish packing, work on more comic pages if my arms will allow me the effort and also I will get to setup my new computer and move everything onto that. I really just want some cuddle time though, been feeling kinda sick after over working myself yesterday. Though in great news the manager and supervisor came up and caught me alone when I was stocking the fridge and thanked me for all the effort that I was putting in and said it was obvious that I was doing most of the work. >> The boys need to learn how to clean better ad time manage. I guess the staff really notice the change when I'm not around as clearly as midnight staff can tell which supervisor was watching the night staff from how messy things are. D: Im going to miss this job, but with recent drama between the boys I work with coming up I'm really glad to go and meet some new people.
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| Rounding down the night - Canada Day |
[Wednesday
July 1st, 2009
11:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 curious |
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So to make life easier and try to convince the boys to stray from their regular perverted talk that will get them into trouble at some point I have adopted the 'Nerd Points' system with certain topics and questions that will provoke regular social and nerdy conversation between the group with reward of nerd points for good answers and knowledgeable responses.
Tonight is Canada Day and I'm kinda depressed that I can't go to Ottawa and party out this holiday with everyone there, instead I'm stuck at work making time and a half. It kinda works out.
About a week ago I came up with the subject of "Top Ten Villains' and recently added heroes, to the list of' tonight's discussion includes why you picked them and where the character game from. It could be a game, movie, book, etc. Open topic. If you guys are interested, I'll keep posting the topics here so that I can see your answers as well.
I can't post this on face book just yet, but since no one at work involved in the list system knows my journal and will get spoilers I can post it here.
cut for length.
( Read more... )
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